Balance: Sounds Nice. Who is she?
I recently took a lovely friend of mine round Spitalfields market on a Sunday morning. Typical-touristy-shite; it was lovely. Typical brunch; typical meandering; typical laughing about what had happened the night before (@BenHolt I still can’t remember that thing we found so funny; I just know it was!) and it was all fine and dandy, till I decided to go and have my tarot cards read.
I’ve had my tarot cards read before; I’m fascinated by astrology. I love the whole “reverence-for-the-night-sky-reading-the-stars” kind of thing. As sceptical as I may be, it’s all pretty fun and I find it a nice bridge between hard facts and nebulous truth.
This isn’t a pros and cons list of all things astrology. It’s more what the guy said that really got me thinking.
I’ve had my cards read once before, by a lady who knew my star sign the second I walked into the room because apparently “my aura is just so air!” (to be stated in a thick, Bostonian accent.) She also recited events from my past extremely accurately without any word from me and has since predicted a future that I’m slightly terrified of but extremely excited for. This guy at Spitalfields was different. He focused less on my past and future cards and seemed to zone in on my present.
“Wow, you really need to start balancing stuff out” was the first sentence that came out of his mouth.
Lol. Balance. Who is she?
I don’t know about you, but maintaining balance isn’t exactly a key skill of mine. Whether it is something to do with the Gemini in me (Boston-tarot-lady seems to think so!) or a trait learned from my father (cheers, John), I’m not exactly the coolest of the cool when it comes to organising my life.
At the best of times, I go about my day like I’m a stress ball that has been flung across the room, hurtling at about a million miles an hour in a way that can only be described as a fireball of flying chaos.
And it’s annoying because I know what I should do to find some order in my life. I’ve been told it all before. “You need to meditate, Kerry” is normally the first thing that comes out. “You need to take up yoga or something.” “You need to just stop and breathe.”
If meditative practice and stuff like that works for you…great. Keep doing what you’re doing; in for two and out for four and all that. I wish it worked for me.
I always say that I relax more when I am busy. I don’t know if it’s an escapism thing or what, but having my mind or hands occupied (preferably simultaneously) makes me feel that bit more at peace. I’m all about losing myself in a task at hand and focusing all my energy into it. The second I force myself to sit and reflect on myself, or practice my breathing, or whatever form of meditation it is I’m trying that time, I immediately get this burning sensation in my head. I become very aware of myself, the stuff I have to get done, the fact I’m sat wasting time not doing the stuff I have to get done…all the problems and tasks push their way into my head and instead of breathing in for two and out for four, I find myself inhaling a to-do list and exhaling a painful, albeit internal, squeal.
Meditation is supposed to allow you to become fully in tune with yourself and your surroundings but, for me, it means I become too in tune. I become very aware that I’m wasting time sitting and breathing because I actually have a list of things to do.
I haven’t found peace in meditation, but I know the little things which relax me and pull me back to earth if I’m off on a tangent. For instance, I like the sound and smell of the rain; it really calms me down. I like reading too.
I somehow need to incorporate the practice of mindfulness and stuff into my everyday life. I need to find a sense of balance, like Spitalfields-Tarot-Man suggested, but I don’t think of it as the final goal. I think balance is a process that develops over time. Being balanced does not mean being calm, relaxed, and content all of the time; at least, that’s what I think. Balance often occurs only for a fleeting moment – when I’m walking in the rain, for instance. It can reappear over and over again.
I don’t think it’s about maintaining balance, gripping onto it so tightly that your fingers bleed and your brain hurts. That’s only going to induce stress further. Rather than trying to claw into balance, I think I need to remind myself that balance is something to be worked on – it’s the whole idea of endgame versus process. Think about the long-term with the short-term. Prioritising and all that.
Maybe I need to start making lists or something. Be that person. Hmm. Might give it a go.
Spitalfields-Tarot-Man might not be as psychically-inclined as that scarily accurate Bostonian woman. Maybe he just didn't care about giving me the lowdown on what the cards have in store for me. However, he really ignited a spark for thought that day. I really need to work on creating a sense of balance in my life. It's just gonna take a bit of practice.
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