Sunday 26 July 2020
The Toilet Roll Archives (16): Cause a Palaver with "What Would You Rather?"
Hello!
I’ve been meaning to get this job done for a while, especially since The Outside reopened!
I decided I would “do the Lord’s work,” as one of my friends so kindly put it, by uploading daily Would You Rathers to my Instagram stories during Proper Lockdown (aka the Banana Bread/Tiger King era).
Tbh, I initially was being quite selfish and thought it was a great way of passing time early in the morning when I was waiting for the day to really kick off; warm up my brain and all that stuff. I also was thinking about all those times I’ve been chilling with friends or in a car or something where a game of Would You Rather ends as quickly as it starts because no one can think of any ‘good ones!’ – and I wanted to be the gal with all the ‘good ones!’
So yeah, it was originally mainly for myself but they seemed to do the trick for a good bunch of people. We had a lot – and when I say a lot, I’m not kidding! – of people voting and messaging me with outcomes and scenarios and questions and all that good stuff. It was outrageous ngl – also, sidenote, some of you are really fucking weird and I love it. I’d love to pick apart your brains for a good hour or two because your wiring must be c r a z y.
All in all, I think we WON lockdown with these bad bois. Like everything, they became a bit of a chore when I started running out of ideas and, in all honesty, I was glad to see the back of them when The Outside opened up again, but I persisted because Kerry rhymes with Very aka Very Resilient and Responsible. It also sounds similar to Carry aka Carrying the Weight of Lockdown Entertainment on My Shoulders. I’m kidding, of course!
So, yeah, in conclusion, I’ve decided I’m going to either begin writing children’s books or make my millions off my inability to make concrete decisions by forcing you all to make them instead! Some were funny, some were serious, some were downright weird – but so was the context they were written in, so, really, who can blame me?
The WYRs are saved on my Instagram but I’ve decided to upload them to here (mainly so my Mam can see them! 😊) Writing them all out has been a massive chore that I have been kind of dreading but rereading them has made me laugh because, wow, what a time Proper Lockdown was.
Feel free to use them! They're meant to be shared!
Cause a palaver with What Would You Rather:
1) WYR: Be covered in fur vs Be covered in scales
2) WYR: Kill 10 strangers to save a friend vs Kill a friend to save 10 strangers
3) WYR: Flip a coin to win £20 vs Just receive £10
4) You can only listen to one song for the rest of your life. WYR: Bohemian Rhapsody vs Dancing Queen.
5) WYR: Run at 100mph vs Fly at 30mph
6) WYR: Practice telekinesis vs Practice telepathy
7) WYR: Lose the ability to talk vs Lose the ability to read
8) Slight variation: Was there enough room for Jack on the door? Yes vs No
9) WYR: Have a dragon vs Be a dragon
10) WYR: Eat shit vs Turkish Delight filled Easter Egg (ps Happy Easter)
11) WYR: Always be slightly underdressed vs Always be slightly overdressed
12) WYR be born with: An elephant trunk vs A giraffe neck
13) WYR run the 5k and donate £5 straight into: Branson’s pocket vs Through external website
14) WYR be allergic to: Sunlight vs Your own sweat
15) WYR be: Bored in the house vs In the house bored
16) WYR the ability to: Communicate with animals vs Fluently speak all languages
17) WYR: Lose 5 fingers from one hand vs Lose all 10 of your toes
18) For the rest of your life WYR: Have the hiccups vs Feel like you might sneeze
19) WYR: Unlimited phone battery life vs Free wifi wherever you go
20) ‘Friends’ edition – WYR: Marry then divorce Ross vs Eat Rachel’s trifle
21) WYR: Be photogenic but busted in real life vs Beautiful in real life but not photogenic in the slightest (may I take this time to remind you that good looks fade but photos last forever)
22) WYR: Mr Worldwide never has been nor will be, but his songs exist and are performed by all the other artists in the world vs Pitbull is the only artist there ever has been and will be, but sings every single song ever made.
23) WYR forcibly have to: Pull all your own teeth out vs Peel all your own nails out
24) For the rest of lockdown, WYR: Only watch TV series’ vs Only watch films
25) WYR: Lose the ability to lie vs Believe everything you’re told
26) In the inevitable Netflix Drama retelling the life story of Chanel the African Grey, who WYR see playing Sandra on the small screen? Emma Thompson vs Catharine Tate
27) WYR: Keep daily WYRs on Insta highlights vs Start a whole page for them
28) WYR: Give naked Trump a spray tan vs Inject Dettol into your arm (Dettol does not cure corona despite what crazy world leaders claim; please don’t try it!) EDIT; how aptly highlighted in Trump's fave colour!
29) Celebrating the 17th anniversary of the greatest film ever made, just wondering if Lockdown 2020 really is “what dreams are made of?”: “Hey now, hey now,” calm down vs “I could almost kiss the stars for shining so bright” from my bedroom window!
30) WYR: Be 30 minutes late vs Be 1 hour early
31) WYR: Only be able to whisper vs Only be able to shout
32) WYR always have the same: Nightmare every night vs Song stuck in your head (what if your greatest nightmare is having the same song stuck in your head?)
33) WYR: Slip in the shower vs Slip down the stairs EDIT; lol I remember I did both of these that very morning!
34) WYR go to prison and serve: 10 years because you’re guilty vs 5 years but you’re innocent (worth it for the book deal/Netflix royalties!)
35) WYR: Be able to freeze time vs Be able to go back in time (some of you never saw ‘Back to the Future’ and it shows!)
36) WYR wear: Jeans one size too small vs Shoes two sizes too big
37) WYR: Be left at the altar vs Say the wrong name (at said altar!)
38) WYR be: An extra in amazing film vs The lead role in a shite film
39) From a safe distance, WYR: Watch the beginning of the world vs Watch the end of the world
40) WYR: Stand on a Lego piece vs Stub your toe
41) WYR: Miss your flight vs Lose your luggage
42) WYR have: Skin like a pineapple vs Skin like a coconut
43) In true Monday style, WYR wake up: 30 mins late vs Thinking it’s Sunday (but it isn’t) ***omg the heartbreak of option 2
44) If, instead of rebooting films, it became a trend to tell the same story from a different character’s perspective, what film would you want retold and from whose POV? ***the best answers I received included Frozone from The Incredibles (did he ever find his super suit?), Lt Dan’s perspective in Forrest Gump and Mean Girls from the perspective of the girl who “doesn’t even go here!”
45) Every time you go to the supermarket, WYE: Forget the one thing you need vs Buy 10 things you don’t need
46) WYR sit on a: Slightly warm toilet seat (ew vom) vs Icy cold toilet seat (cold but clean?)
47) WYR always be permanently: Slightly too cold, no matter how many blankets you are hidden under vs Have the slightest urge to wee, despite having just been to the toilet. (upon reflection I guess there isn’t really a choice since at a certain age you have to deal with both?)
48) If you had to live in a cage for the rest of your life, WYR the bars be: Vertical vs Horizontal EDIT; the answer is obvs horizontal bcos permanent jungle gym
49) WYR sweat: Non-Heinz tomato ketchup vs Broccoli and stilton soup
50) WYR: Every song you ever listen to slowly turn into ‘All Star’ by Smash Mouth vs Every film you watch slowly transition into Shrek?
51) WYR: A magical pet vs A magical weapon
52) WYR: See in the dark vs Breathe underwater
53) WYR (stationary edition): A pencil sharpening nostril vs Rubbers for fingertips
54) WYR: Go to Narnia vs Go to Hogwarts (anyone who voted Hogwarts is a liar. EDIT; this started a war amongst my friends)
55) WYR: Climb to the tallest point on earth vs Dive to the deepest part of the ocean
56) WYR: Be left with a cliffhanger
57) WYR: Have your phone battery last 100 minutes but it only takes 30 mins to charge? vs Have your phone take a full week to charge but you only have to charge it twice a year?
58) WYR: Wake up with £20 in your pocket every day vs Have £100 appear in your house somewhere when you wake up (note that it’s extremely well hidden and you have to hunt for it every day)
59) WYR: Be naked in front of a huge crowd whilst looking like someone else vs Someone who is identical to you be naked in front of a huge crowd
60) WYR: Be able to hold bananas in your hands like guns, say “pew pew” and shoot lasers out of them vs Be able to throw oranges and have them act like target-seeking missiles
61) WYR: Suffer all of your life’s pain in one excruciatingly pain-filled minute and then live your life completely painless vs Live a normal life
62) WYR: Be able to transform into a blueberry at will with the risk of being digested vs Creepily have blueberries whisper to you and tell you blueberry-specific secrets about the universe that no one else will ever know.
63) WYR: Turn air into sand vs Turn sand into water (considering sand is formed by water washing over rocks (albeit for a vvvvv long time) doesn’t this create some kind of infinite loop for you?) EDIT; this is quite murder-y, sorry, I am not out to kill, swear!
64) Would you flip a coin if heads meant you instantly receive £100 million and tails meant you died instantly?
65) WYR: Have a magical car that can teleport you anywhere you want and time travel anywhere you want vs A magical ring that when it touches a book you absorb all the knowledge inside (so I’m assuming that time travelling to the past creates a separate timeline each time. Therefore, I’d travel back to my previous self, tell her to pick the ring, kill her and then acquire both abilities.)
66) You are a supervillain who can scream supersonic classical music; your name is ‘Bach the Fuck Up.’ WYR: Rob banks for a living vs Cause random chaos in the streets.
67) WYR be: Joe Exotic’s precariously balanced eyebrow ring vs Carol-Bakin-killed-her-husband-whacked-him’s flower crown.
68) WYR: Be the smartest person in the world vs Be the stupidest person in the world ***in both scenarios you have the same level of intelligence you have now (if I was the smartest person in the world with the level of intelligence I possess, we’d be F U C K E D.)
69) WYR: Be the most wanted pirate on all the seven seas for one year in the 1700s (I can’t guarantee you a solid rum supply/treasure) vs The galaxy’s shittest Jedi (never seen Star Wars so can’t really expand on that, sorry, just know that you’re really, really bad at being a Jedi)
70) WYR: Sleep with the bedroom door wide open vs Sleep with the bedroom door locked EDIT; whoever sleeps with the door open either fears nothing or owns/is owned by cats; everyone knows that door becomes a portal to the underworld once all the lights are off.
71) WYR: Ask your future self one question vs Warn your past self of something
72) WYR: 2m long legs vs 2m long arms ***brb just thinking about how much 2m long arms would improve my quality of life xo
73) WYR: Eat a bowl of human hair in non-Heinz tomato sauce vs Eat a bowl of toenails in skimmed cow’s milk (neither the hair or the nails are your own!)
74) WYR be a master: Guitarist vs Pianist
75) In an argument WYR: Be right vs Be kind EDIT; I’m certain that I will have no problem admitting when I’m wrong, when that day comes
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Now is where it gets interesting! No, swear down!
Initially I was planning on doing a standard WYR, like any other day. Yet, for some odd reason, I decided to do a full on series (yes I know, I hate myself as well!) that lasted the course of three days. I’ll let my Thursday intro do the talking:
“I’ve started watching The Sopranos so today’s WYR comes in the form of a ‘series’. I wish I could say I’ve put a lot of effort into planning this, but it’s entirely off the cuff so if it’s shite, I do apologise xoxo."
And that pretty much sums things up. We went from just one regular post, to a feature length series, then ultimately surrendering to a guessing-game weekend bender. I don’t know what went through my brain. I don’t know why I thought it would be a good idea; as you will see by the very end, I was struggling for ideas. But, as per, we move.
DAY 1 (Thursday):
76) We’re heading back in time to 1960s New Jersey, era of the Newark Riots. Your name is:
Tony vs Joe
And you’re second generation Italian-American.
77) You’ve been associated with the Mob for almost a year (you’re known, quite literally, as an associate). However, you’ve been trying to work your way in deeper to move further up the ranks. You know the only way you can do that is if you prove yourself. What’s your main aim? What are you in it for?
Wealth vs Influence
78) You are a talented thief. Your task, along with four others, is to rob a local bank. You know this is your chance to prove yourself. If the robbery goes well, Mob Leader can open up his new:
Casino vs Restaurant
79) It is the afternoon of the robbery. All goes to plan and (Lol bcos you’re the actual fckin Mob) you know you’ll get away with it. You’re the guy who is responsible for holding the cash for the rest of the afternoon before handing it over to Boss later that night. Where are you keeping the cash?
Boot of the car vs Under the kitchen sink
80)
You might be a talented thief, but your loyalty
is questionable. You decide to keep hold of some of the money, leaving it in
your hiding place before driving over to Boss. What are you driving?
Lincoln-Continental vs Buick Riviera
81) You drive over to Boss’ place and walk around to his back door, handing over the money in Boss’ kitchen. After talking over a Cutty and Water, you call it a night. You wake up in the morning with a bad feeling – and it isn’t because of the Cutty. You go to check your hiding spot. The money is not there. What’s your immediate reaction?
Did u drunkenly move it? vs Lol im a dead man walking
82) Idk why you even bothered to consider retracing last night’s drunken steps; you know that you’re very much a dead man walking. You decide to pack up and leave town as quickly as possible, heading in your chose car across the bridge into New York City.
You pick up a job, a new apartment and settle into life in the city. Less than a month later, you approach your car to drive home from work one evening. You find a menacing note left on your windscreen:
Shit vs Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit
83) You pocket the note and get in the car, looking in your rear mirror as you sit down. There’s no one in the backseat; not that it matters all that much – you already know what to expect. You arrive back to your apartment block and open your front door to the four guys you robbed the bank with just a month earlier. Boss is nowhere in sight. You can either:
Throw your arms up and pretend not to know what the fuck is going on vs Accept your fate, lie on the floor and prepare for the torture that will most definitely ensue.
84) The four guys let you choose which body part to send to Boss (charming xo). What are you opting for?
Ear vs 2 fingers from the same hand
85) The four guys leave with the body part you chose to give to Boss. You’re in agony, tortured by the loss of your Mob dreams (not to mention the loss of blood). The pain is so unbearable that you pass out on your kitchen floor. End Season 1 xoxo
DAY 2 (Friday)
86) Back to a boring standard WYR today bcos we like to keep the masses on their toes xo
WYR: “Be a cowboy, baby.” vs “Be on x games mode.”
DAY 3 (Saturday)
87) Back by popular (and ngl quite threatening) demand…
Following a catastrophic storm, your boat has taken a battering and you have been flung into the watery depths of the dark ocean, a human carried off on the great swells.
You awaken alone on a seemingly uninhabited, desolate island. The wreckage of your ship lies strewn across the sandy coastline. There is no one else around. The sea is just a vast, unbroken line of blue waves.
WYR: The Shipwrecked Edition.
88) We’ll skip the whole waking-up-face-down-in-the-sand bit bcos you can just watch Tom Hanks in Castaway and get the vibe xoxo
You’ve ‘come to terms’ with the fact that your ship has been destroyed, you’re seemingly abandoned and – not to piss on your chips, of course #optimism – you’re most likely fucked. What’s your initial reaction?
Sit and cry vs Let’s see what we can salvage ***supplies
89) You’ve resigned to the fact that there are probably no people on this island and no survivors from the wreckage. You’re very much alone:
Yes! No one to piss me off! (probs thrived in lockdown if u opted for this) vs Shit I need human company!
90) Crying isn’t going to help you survive for very long on a desert island. Get a grip (said with love obvs xoxo)
What is your first task?
Building shelter – there is no way you can be caught up in another storm vs Finding water – all this drama has made you thirsty.
91) You resolve to explore a little bit of the island to try and find some food whilst it’s still light, without straying too far from the beach. You come across some berries. Do you:
Steer clear of them vs Eat them; they might be poisonous but, hey, you’ll probs die anyway!
92) Whatever you chose – hats off! You’re still here!
Upon returning after exploring the coastline a little further, you find that your camp has been disturbed. Any meagre supplies you had left have been spoilt. If you tried to set up a fire, it’s died down. There are indistinguishable tracks leading into the forest. What do you do next?
Calmly start a new fire and salvage as much of the mess as possible vs Grab a big stick and venture into the forest, following the tracks.
93) To your surprise, the tracks lead to a gang of turkeys. Not what you were expecting, to say the least. How do you proceed?
Make the decision to domesticate the birds; turkeys lay eggs, right? vs Bludgeon one of the birds to death with a rock and celebrate your first night on the island with a roast turkey.
94) It’s beginning to get dark and the weather is starting to change. It’s dark and cold and thundering down with rain. Since you’ve not had chance to build proper shelter, what do you choose to do for the night?
Lie under a tree and cry yourself to sleep vs Climb up a tree, staying as high up as you can, refusing to sleep in case of predators.
TBC (tomorrow) x
DAY 4 (Sunday):
95) Like every awful TV series, we are going to do a time jump bcos we’re struggling on the ideas end xoxo
It’s been over a year (not that you care; you’ve lost track of time). The island has become something of a home.
You’ve made company out of the turkeys bcos we aren’t Robinson Crusoe and don’t enslave people without consent (or enslave people full stop tbh).
You have made solid shelter and you have a reasonable supply of food.
How do you spend your days?
Sitting and crying (still?) vs Sunbathing and swimming (bcos beach bae #staycation2020)
96) It’s time for your daily fish. You go to get your raft which is leaning against a coconut tree. Do you want a coconut-milk snack to take with you or would you rather go hungry for the day?
Grab a coconut bcos fresh vs Ew Bounty juice? Rank x
97) Bountys are incredible; the negativity won’t be accepted in this space (or on our island). You’re getting a coconut, grow up!
You reach up the shake the tree to get yourself a coconut. Something hits you on your head. A coconut? Think again! Out from the leaves of the tree falls a large glass bottle.
Seriously more of this shit? vs Oooh exciting!
98) The bottle lands at your feet. Curious, you pick it up, reaching over to inspect it. You notice there is a rolled-up piece of paper inside. You’re desperate to know what it says!
How do you remove the piece of paper?
Fashion ‘tweezers’ out of 2 thin pieces of bamboo bcos resourceful af vs Smash it on a nearby rock bcos inner rage xoxo we didn’t choose the ‘jungle’ life, the ‘jungle’ life chose us xoxo
99) The piece of paper turns out to be some sort of map!
You’ve been here for nearly a whole year! How haven’t you come across this before?
You inspect the map and wonder whether it is worth exploring the island further, following the trails to the deepest, darkest parts of the forest:
Not worth it bcos predators/what am I even going to do with treasure anyways? vs Dollar makes us holla even when abandoned on an island in complete solitude.
100) You take the map (and a coconut) and decide to look over it on your raft whilst out for your daily fish. You walk down towards the seafront. All of a sudden, upon the horizon, you spot a shape floating in the distance ***all these coincidences, wow can you tell i was struggling here!
The shape gradually grows in size, coming closer and closer. It’s not until you spot the Jolly Roger flag waving in the wind that you realise:
Oh for fucks sake, can we not? I’ve had enough; where’s the fire exit door vs Wow other humans? Nice one!
101) Pirates! And you’re holding their treasure map!
How do you initially react?
Lol cannae believe I’ve braved it out and survived a year on here only to die by getting shoved off a plank! vs Ok, tactics, can we join the crew and share the wealth? Plato’s friendship of utility and all that?
TBC!
DAY 5 (Monday)
102) The high seas are an unforgiving place, filled with storms, crashing waves, vengeful pirates and captains hell-bent on control of the waters (or Britain a couple of hundred years ago lols). You’re either the hunter, or the hunted.
You’ve come so far. You’ve survived for almost a year alone on the island. You’ve faced the brunt of such terror and now your fate is in the hands of oncoming pirates, with the potential of a watery grave:
Will slap u with a peg leg, Kerry vs Lol, ahoy there, matey!
103) Shiver me timbers and call me Jack Sparrow; these guys are tough enough to grind you to bone marrow!
You can smell the blood and the rum already. But you’ve survived so long. Do you think you you’re able to call on every inch of your courageous resilience to evade death or will you crack under the pressure of Blackbeard’s wooden leg?
I’ve got this xoxo vs Get that fire exit door, I’m off
104) A group of four sword-wielding pirates disembark the ship. You:
Hold up your arms and declare you carry no weapon and mean no harm vs Cry (again, bcos why not? So many of you seem to choose to?!)
Luckily, the pirates listen to your explanation and believe you. You don’t ask too many questions. You don’t want to walk the plank. You hand over the map.
105) The pirates invite you to join them on their ship, with the promise of food, rum and a lifetime of adventure. Are you tempted?
Bags packed; lets go! vs Nah, kinda wanna stay here with my turkey!
106) The pirates point you in the direction of the ship. You begin to wade into the water to embark on your new adventure.
That is, until you feel a blow to the back of your head. You tumble into the shallow water beneath you, and you feel hands press on your shoulders, holding you down:
Kerry, literally, wth? vs Wow, ok didn’t sign up for this!
107) You feel your breathing getting shallower and shallower. Everything around you is darkening. The pirates’ voices are growing distant. But what were once the voices of unfamiliar growling, rum-ridden pirates are slowly beginning to change. They’re morphing into…familiar voices. Familiar accents. Italian-American accents?
Kerry what u doing? vs Omg no wait what no!?
108) That’s right friends! The four pirates’ voices are changing into the voices of your four former mobster mates.
You were never on the island. You were never shipwrecked. You are lying on your kitchen floor:
Earless vs Fingerless
Depending on which body part you chose to give up to Boss.
109) You’re currently hallucinating, dying from blood loss on your kitchen floor in your New York City apartment. These are your final moments before you die at the hands of your ex-mobster ‘colleagues’ (????)
Lol plot twists vs All this for…what?...(tik tok five ever!)
110) SURPRISE PALS! There was no island. There never was. You’re just a criminal. Stay loyal to the mob xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
End series.
Don’t even @ me; all the best TV series have horrendously flawed endings and I’m doing this at 7 am on a Monday morning, leave me alone ok xoxoxox
That was hard and I’m never doing it again. We are back to standard WYRs til Sunday, when The Outside opens.
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111) WYR: Be the newest companion to the Doctor vs Replace Watson from the Benedict Cumberbatch version of Sherlock?
112) WYR go into battle with: A real set of armour but wielding a pool noodle as a weapon vs A real sword but your armour is a life jacket and armbands?
113) Bonus – WYR: Pronounce ‘Balayage’ correctly (Bal-eee-arj) or like Ben (bal-lay-j)? EDIT; @BenHolt, I'm still like ?????????? at you for this
114) WYR: Put hotels on the 2 dark blue squares vs Put hotels on the 3 yellow spaces? ***Hi the answer was obvs yellow but my personal faves to have in my back pocket are a sneaky train station and both utilities bcos they’ll build up massively for relatively little cost xoxo we are all about the semi-regular side hustle xoxo *** I like to think that when other people win at Monopoly, it’s sheer luck. However, when I win, it’s down to pure strategy and efficient plotting.
115) Penultimate WYR ft double reverse psychology; ur welcome! WYR: Get £10,000 vs Get £1,000,000 But if you choose the most popular result, you receive nothing!
116) We finally made it my guys, gals and non-binary pals. WYR: Make HUMANITY 2.0 which is the crazy next step in human evolution – a random superpower humans gain. You don’t get to pick the superpower vs Make HUMANITY 1.2 which fixes every ‘human bug’ aka every annoying little niggle we humans suffer from.
117) And a final one bcos I couldn’t leave it out! WYR: Have a fully working lightsaber vs Cure Corona on an international level The lightsaber would be 100% functional. Covid-19 would take one month to be completely eradicated. *** I’m not trying to be selfish when I say this but the tech from that lightsaber would be used to cure corona and that’s on science xoxo ***However, what’s the likelihood you own a lightsaber and still get Covid? Probs high! But maybe you can ‘stay alert’ :/ with unlocking the new technology of what’s essentially a cool cutting machine. *** I am 100% JOKING! Please don’t think I am that ignorant! Stay safe, lovelies – and wear your mask if you’re venturing out!
That was certainly lengthy. I kind of forgot how long this whole thing went on for! Well, if that list doesn’t have you sussed for your next road trip or night in with pals, I don’t know what does!
Hope you’re all well,
K 😊 xoxo
