Thursday 31 December 2020
The Toilet Roll Archives (22) Back to the Beginning..."Happy New Tier!"
Back in June, two things happened on the same day. I saw a woman throw a basket of shopping at a shop assistant’s head in refusal to put on a mask, screaming it was all a fat conspiracy and a way of the Government controlling everyone. It was also the same day I found out that our neighbour’s sister had died, officially leaving her the “last one in the family,” she tearfully told me at her front door. It was a nasty day – but probably quite tame, run-of-the-mill, given the nature of this year. For so many, by June, it has been around four months of pause, punishment, loss and suffering. And though none of the bad stuff I saw and heard that day directly affected me, it still felt like a hard day. I think, really, it just felt hard to imagine 2020 providing anything in the way of positive signs as to where we might be going.
2020 might have been the heaviest year of my life so far, but I think it was the kick up the arse I desperately needed. It’s been full of change, loss, quickly finding and adapting to a New Normal…which actually isn’t so normal after all. So, I guess it’s also been a year of redefinition, of trial and error, of guessing games. It’s also been a year of mass confusion and grief.
People are wishing for 2021 but, in all honesty, I don’t think 2020 will end until I officially shoot whatever dosage I need of whatever vaccine I’m given into whichever arm I need to hold out (honestly, just post it through my front door, I'll do it myself!) Not to be a downer, because I’m all for a bit of optimism at the best of times, but I highly doubt 2021 will be much better. 2021 won’t change our lives in the way people seem to be expecting it to, until we are willing to sit down and recognise how and why 2020 has changed us for the better.
Which sounds ridiculous, really. So many of us want to wipe the slate clean and erase the 2020 whiteboard permanently, repaint over the walls, cover up the mess, all that stuff – which sounds nice, but kind of impossible, because how can we make things better if we are so easy to dismiss the shit this past year has brought? Disregarding 2020 is disregarding the people it has forced us to become, which is cheesy and bleurgh but also very true. Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t think it’s very fair to do us dirty like that. Seems a bit harsh.
I’ve heard so much about 2021 making everything right again. Maybe it will. Maybe it won’t. We all hope for a better tomorrow at some point and, don’t get me wrong, focusing on the future isn’t necessarily a bad thing. But it becomes a danger when we treat it as some sort of barrier from reflection.
So yeah, I never wanted this version of 2020. I never asked for it. Nor would I ask for a repeat. But it was most certainly the year I needed. I cannot be selective about the experiences and stuff that have shaped the year, and in turn, shaped me.
2020 has meant a lot of different things for me. It has meant security. It has meant progression and development. It meant lots of green tea. It meant enjoying a lot of time alone. It has meant a lot of time full stop. It has also meant anything but a highlight reel lol. It’s meant boundaries. It’s meant a lot of loss, and a lot of terrifying near-loss. It’s meant a lot of missed weddings, funerals and birthdays. It’s been a whole lot of moments where I’ve had to move forward without fully understanding how and why. If I’ve learned to do anything, it’s how to completely go with the flow. Taking every day as it comes. Because why think too far ahead? Things change on the daily nowadays!
It was these moments, though frustrating, which have been wrapped in this essence of transformation, of this fluidity which is as powerful as it is graceful. It wraps itself around obstacles and continues to move in this gentle strength. I've realised that some of the best moments of my life have been disguised in routine, in the supposed mundane, in the security and safety of everyday. I've realised that life is a lot less about perfection and a whole lot more about getting up and doing it anyway. I've realised that I wouldn't know any of these things without 2020.
Call 2020 whatever you want. Call it terrible or awful or the worst of all-time; it has been for so many people. That's fine. Let yourself feel what you're supposed to feel. Don't feel like you can't be upset because someone else has had it worse than you. Feel as much as you need to feel. But 2020 has hardly been a wasted year, at least for me, despite the fact that we seem to be in a worse off place as a country (but let's not do that rn.) I think there’s been a thawing of some kind. Gears are grinding in their own weird way, resulting small personal victories that are worth celebrating.
2020 has been pivotal. It's taught me what has really mattered and I like to think I'm a whole lot more patient, resilient and thoughtful because of it.
So, in the most bizarre (slightly sour but whatevs) way, thank you 2020. Happy New Tier*, everyone.
*creds, Benjamin, that really made me laugh :)
