What You'll Find When You're Kind
I was having a really hard time early this year; well, from around November to January. Not a long period of time, but dense with worry and stress and intensity.
Most of my freelancing jobs had come to an end in the December/early January. I was scraping as much writing work as I could possibly get, doing shifts at the store I had worked in throughout university in the evenings, and then staying up most of the night finishing work, finding more work, and sleepless with the knowing that I was running low on money, energy and passion. I was on something of a deadline down here. Burnout is a bitch. I had been trying so hard. So hard. And it was all a mess. For something that had started out so promising and exciting, things were quickly spiralling out of my control and capabilities and I didn’t know what I was going to do. I don’t want to go into it all today; it’s not what this blog post is about. If I’m completely honest, it’s all a bit of a haze. I think I blacked out most of the winter 😊!
I did have one particular stand-out moment though, in that
blur, and I think it’s a moment I’ll carry with me forever.
I was working a closing shift in the store towards the end of the week. It was during the post-Christmas period, in that little window we had before Corona came and wiped us out. Without going too much into it, I remember I had had a real tough day. At the time, I hadn’t told anybody much and kept things on the downlow (probably not wise when I think about it but hey ho) and I felt like I was about to self-implode. You know that feeling when you’re so exhausted that you feel like your brain is a cauldron bubbling with fire? Your whole body feels like it could just crumple in on itself like a piece of origami? Yep, me!
Thankfully, as per every Friday evening in late January/early February, the shop was pretty quiet. Time passes quick in retail when it’s busy but this one day, I was so grateful that the store was dead. It gave me time to think. I remember if I was alone in an area of the store, I used to walk laps of the room; I must have looked like a right twat, thinking back, but it would really calm me down. It was like I was being paid to meditate.
This one day, I remember I was talking with a friend who had come to give me an item we had in the stock room; she’d stayed out and was chatting with me for a bit. We were both stood in front of the entrance and an older customer who I had helped earlier approached us on his way out. He turned to me and thanked me for my help. He told me “you’re so kind.”
In that moment I thought I was gonna pass out with the sweetness. My situation at the time, particularly that day, hadn’t been so easy (putting it lightly) and the fact that somebody had complimented my kindness of all things made my heart burst with this immeasurable light. In the moment, I think I brushed it off with a simple “I get paid for it!” and a smile and a thank you and moved on, but inside I thought I was going to cry.
I think kindness is the bravest choice we can make. When everything around us is going to shit, when you feel like you’re being sucked up into this galactic black hole of intense worry and burnout, when everything feels out of control, if you can still choose to actively be kind to people, then you’re still reclaiming some sort of power. If you’re bringing light into darkness and calm into chaos, then you’re doing something right.
Ok, my earlier rambles in light of that last paragraph seem very dramatic. I think I must have grabbed him the correct size or said something nice to him; I can’t even remember. I doubt it was something extraordinarily big or kind or good or whatever. But in that moment, I just remember that my heart skipped a beat because some random stranger saw something good when all I could see was everything around me going wrong.
I know I used to get paid to ‘be kind’ and whatever, but outside the contextual bubble of the store, I think that kindness is very much purposeful. Kind people aren’t kind on accident! Kindness is a choice. A hard one at times; sometimes painful, sometimes tiring and trying, but rewarding beyond imagination.
Looking back on that time of my life, and any other times where I’ve had to cope with difficulties and challenges, it would have been so easy to be bitter and angry and to let all of my worry and frustration out on the world because I felt like the world had done me so wrong. There’s no denying it. I’m sure it’s the same for plenty of you too. Maybe it’s a control thing; the whole ‘riding the wave of life’ is so easy if you let your thoughts and your attitude be dictated by a situation.
But regardless of it all, I don’t think I could ever be mean to someone simply because the world has been mean to me.
I’m not saying internalising problems is the solution by any stretch, at all. Please don’t do that! But in my case, I found myself on the side of knowing the pain I was going through so intimately that I never, ever, ever wanted anyone in the entire world to feel it. So I would act accordingly. I still do 😊.
I’m not claiming to be perfect at it. I still find those Tik Toks of people falling over pretty funny and I don’t always make time to check in with someone I think has been pretty quiet. But I really, really, fucking try to. And I think we all should.
Kindness isn’t always fun. It sometimes leaves us taken advantage of and sour or beaten down or argued against or whatever. But if there is purpose behind kindness and if it is a choice, then we maintain some sort of active control and power. It’s about taking personal responsibility and capably taking ownership of ourselves in a situation that feels beyond our control. Kindness is just as much about ourselves as it is about serving others. And that is what stops us from catering to others’ wants. It stops us from becoming doormats and pushovers. Kindness works because we are deliberate. We are intentional.
Kindness walks hand-in-hand with resilience and they’re the most beautiful combination that will see anything and anyone through.
Sometimes, in the moment, it feels anything but. I doubt it is in human nature to just forgive and walk away. Sometimes we want to confront and to push and to defend and to argue but – and this is something I swear by – if you really are in the right, you don’t need to prove it. Watch situations and false conclusions and slander backfire in someone’s face with the silent but smug self-satisfaction that you were, indeed, right all along. The world has this weird way of striking a balance when the time is right. And when you’re on the better side of it, there’s nothing better.
Kindness is hardly a trait you practice for fun, but I don’t think there is anything better than seeing its effects. A stranger’s acknowledgement of it has never ever left me and I doubt it will anytime soon. It is the greatest compliment I could have ever received.
We choose kindness because the world needs balance; there’s enough shit going around already. We know what it’s like to feel suffocated by darkness. We like the challenge of seeing if we can light things up again.
During that time of my life, I had every reason to be angry. I had every reason to be sad and scared and confused. And it would have been so easy to just be a twat because of it. But recognising that, acknowledging the pain of your environment and your situation, and then not refracting that back out there is the vital first step to building resilience. I suppose it’s the whole mirroring effect innit? Your internal and your external link and you’ve somehow have to find the light in the dark because without it, you’re kind of at a loss.
So be nice. Be kind. Stick your finger up at the world and be good. Because it pays, I swear.
All the love xoxoxoxoxo
PS: Mr Hollister Stratford Customer Person, you’re also v kind and I doubt you’ll ever be able to comprehend how much your acknowledgement got me through that really tough time. I still think about it months later. Thank you 😊
PSS: I’ve just finished this and lightning just struck and it’s all of a sudden thundering down w rain. You might think it’s some sort of sign, I’m just thinking I’m gonna sleep really well tonight because of the background noise.
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