The Toilet Roll Archives (17) - A Tik Tok Tale

The Toilet Roll Archives (17) - A Tik Tok Tale

• Saturday, 8 August 2020

Here we have a Lockdown Tik Tok Tale. It's mortifying - funny, don't get me wrong - but mortifying all the same. If you're over the age of 20, you'll probably think likewise.

But let's start off with a bit of context: the question of where Millienialism ends and Gen Z begins is something of a question mark for a cusper like me. Born in 1998, I’m pulling a Hannah Montana and claiming that I, like many of my fellow 1995-1999’ers, have something of the Best of Both Worlds. 

MySpace was a bit before my time and I have Snapchat on my phone but I don’t think I have ever logged in and the concept of ‘streaks’ means absolutely nothing to me. I’ve dabbed ironically, have never called anyone “bae” anything less than unironically, but you best believe that when I tweet verbs such as “stan” and “yaaas”, I fully back it with every ounce of my being. Periodt. 

For people like myself, who don't understand Gen Z tween heartthrobs like Jacob Sartorius (I literally had to ask my 15 year old cousin who this was!), but would throw themselves under a bus for Zac Efron any day of the fucking week (because Breaking Free was the anthem, not Bye, Bye, Bye (but we’ll still sing along, don’t worry!), the whole generational cusp thing doesn’t really work. We’ve surfed the technological transitional wave from Motorola Razrs to the Iphone which/what/why and, man, we’ve surfed hard because the past ten years or so have been something of a socio-economic tsunami for the likes of us Zillenials (?!).

Anyways, this isn’t going to be a proper long essay on the benefits and bonuses that come with not being able to fully place yourself in a specific generational bracket. This is merely just a bit of context for the story I’m about to tell you.

After a recent encounter I had with about 5 or 6 young Generation Z-ers, I can safely say I have never felt older. Seriously. And at 22, that’s not exactly normal. I mean, ok, I know that I’ve been stuck inside for the better part of six months and have probably aged a gazillion light years because of external circumstances beyond my control but I know that I’m still a baby in the grand scheme of things. Interesting to say the least. Storytime? Lessgoooo:

I was taking down some stuff to be recycled at the back of the block and I saw a group of lads on bikes hanging round the bins. This was during a time when lockdown was slowly and steadily lifting and we could begin seeing people outside at a socially acceptable distance and, fair play, these guys were all stood pretty far apart from one another. No shade.

I approach the bins and, as I begin to head closer and closer, I hear music playing from a phone. Of course, it happens to be the greatest Tik Tok song of all time because “chef's kiss, she's a treat (mwah), ooh, she so bougie, bougie, bon appetit, I’m a savage yeah…”

I realise pretty quickly these guys are making Tik Toks outside by the bins bcos dance check and ngl, I’m pretty excited for them because Tik Tok is life and anyone who says otherwise just doesn’t understand that “hips tik tok when I dance” and I won’t waste my time to “argue with these lazy bitches I just raised my price” because I (can pretend that I) am a “savage classy boujee and ratchet.” Need I continue?

Anyways, I’m approaching as a normal, chill, outwardly neutral human being but internally I’m screaming because A) What a T U N E omg and B) I’m hoping I’ll be able to sneak into the background of one of their videos and it’ll, hopefully, be the one to go viral and *boom* instant, effortless, environmentally-aware #reducereuserecycle Tik Tok fame. Easy.

Alas, that was not in the cards for me (obvs, Kerry, get a grip.) Because, as I approach the guys to get round to the bin, I hear one of the lads say

“Nah, wait, fam, wait; let the lady go first.”

Lady. Lady? L a d y. lAdYYYY. LaDy? llllaady? 

I’m a lady. Lady? Wait???? What!?!?!?!??!!?!

If you listen close enough, you can hear my heart shatter into a million pieces. I know that being a “lady” immediately correlates to Old. I hear “lady,” I think “Pension.” I hear “lady” and I think about the woman next door who I bought shopping for at the height of lockdown. I think about those weird coffee-breathed exam invigilators who would stare over your shoulder at that algebraic shit show of a paper down on your desk. I think about my grandparents who have nailed Whatsapp but have never quite got the hang of Zoom. When in the actual FUCK did I become The Lady!?

The “lady” aka too old for Tik Tok. I’ve become the “lady” who doesn’t know youth mentality or understand internet entertainment. I’m a grandma to the Gen Z-ers of today. I’m an old aged pensioner with no sense of humour. I’m A LADY? I’m old? lolololololololol.

First of all, I want to make it clear that I don’t make Tik Toks myself because I’m not about to go chasing waterfalls and I’m very much content sticking to the rivers and the lakes that I’m used to. However, the rivers and lakes that I float in are very much the ‘keen observer’ waters (Twitter is literally just me RT other people’s words because they articulate it so much better than me in so few characters!) so you best believe I sit paralysed in whatever awkward position I opened the app in for, like, 30 minutes at a time; the stillness of a lizard in danger.

But, apparently, according to these C H I L D R E N I’m too old to understand Tik Tok because I’m 22 years old and that means I’m not “savage classy boujee ratchet” enough to appreciate the art that is Tik Tok - even if I do dedicate a good portion of my free time to a platform which showcases videos of puppies falling in puddles and people pranking their partners. But I’m also not Millenial because I’m not overly obsessed with Harry Potter, nor do I cry over “adulting” into an overly-full wine glass every Friday night.

Lol where do I go from here?

Of course, I'm playing on stereotypes here and I don't want to offend anyone. I obvs didn't take the comment that personally either, but it did take me aback for a hot second. When did I become The Lady? When the fuck did I become old? 

I've come to the conclusion that I'm just never going to win. I get ID'd buying a screwdriver and alcohol that isn't even for me, and then I'm referred to as The Lady. wtf im out nah no thanks.

So that’s it for me, then. All downhill from here on out. Decaf only. Ankles covered. Pension opened. I have a Karen-cut booked in at the salon too. Your 22 year old gal is no longer a gal. She's O L D. A Zillenial? Hand her a Zimmer.

The Lady!? Lol I'm still WAILING at how funny this is! Too young for a toolbox but too old to Tik Tok. Cba.