The Toilet Roll Archives (21): 20 Things We’ve All Said to Our Mates in 2020
Wonder how many times I can say it, but 2020 has been A Bit of A Year. With the whole global pandemic, Brexit on the horizon, world slowly shutting down sort of thing, I’ve been spending a lot more time indoors. I’m probably more familiar with the cast of House of Cards than I am with my own birth-giver, these days (though no one is more excited about me being stuck up in Manny for Xmas, away from Tier 4, than Fiona – “this is the best Christmas EVER! You’re stuck with me! You can't go back!”)
I mean, my lazy day of choice is usually me dragging someone out for a Big Walk, followed by me hosting one of my infamous Cleaning Parties to the sounds of Shania/Chris/Dolly/whatever Netflix series I’m watching. Being forced to stay lazy, however, was a pain in the arse at first.
Remember Lockdown 1.0? How hard it was to stay inside? How our bubbles were intensely limited?
Here are 20 things we’ve** (**lol ok sometimes I've) deffo said to by best
friends this year.
1) “2020 was supposed to be my year.”
We’re entering 2021 quietly, people. We’re not making a big deal. We’re going to slip in, fingers crossed, hoping for the best, letting 2020 end and 2021 come in peace without any expectations. However, I’m also partially minded to admit that I’m happy to let 2020 continue until I pump my arm with the vaccine, and let 2021 begin then and only then.
2) “No, I’ve seen that.”
The truth is, I’ve seen it twice. The other truth is that you probably didn’t even like the show, you just didn’t have any other options left because everything worth watching has already been watched.
3) “Tiger King was shite.”
Carol Baskin for sure killed-her-husband-whacked-him, and her flower crown and leopard print combos are the height of fashion for me, but, really, Tiger King wasn’t great. It’s ok, we can all admit it now. I think we were all just going through it at that point. It’s ok. We can let it go.
4) “Is a ten year age gap even that big a deal?”
Love is Blind, on the other hand, was worth every second of everyone’s time. Cameron and Lauren’s ten year age gap controversy was the height of the group chat. Add some Tinder fun in there (mate (you know who you are!), who is 26 and called Barry!?!?!?!?!), and you’ve got yourself a Checkmate.
5) “Social Distancing. Please don’t touch me.”
For someone like me, who cannot stand being touched*, this has been a blessing.
*lol, sorry, another tangent here. I didn’t know this story until my Mam brought it up recently: apparently, when I was about eight, I sat my parents down on the sofa, stood in front of them, and politely (but v seriously) asked if they could no longer hug/pet me because “I don’t like being touched.” This was around the time I was begging to be, in my own words, “gotten rid of” and sent away to boarding school, resulting in my Mam thinking she didn’t love me enough. Now I’m stuck here and she can’t get enough. Sick.
6) “I haven’t worn real clothes since March.”
Clothes are a distant memory since the world shut down overnight. Am I mad about it? No.
7) “You’re on mute.”
When they make a film about this, this needs to be its title. I will die on this hill.
8) “Right, I’m going to take the bins out!”
When Covid hit our flat thanks to the wonderful world-leading T&T system which delivered our result 5 days late (not forgotten about that, Matty/Bojo), once every few days, myself and my other uninfected flatmate would take it turns to take the bins out to the chute. Mask-donned, obviously, and not passing anyone else on the block. Those 2 minute trips to the bin were what we looked forward to the most; we’d literally schedule our day around it.
9) “This won’t last long, will it?”
When things kicked off back in March, no one really knew what to expect. Measures were deemed temporary. It all felt a bit like a story. And then people I knew started dying and it got very scary very quickly.
10) “Why do I even have dating apps in a pandemic?”
The amount of people using dating apps soared during lockdown…I mean, I suppose it was someone to talk to, other than your household.
11) “I am never turning down a night out ever again. I’ll clean the club. I’ll cash up with the staff. I’m never going home early.”
I just want to be able to choose to decline, rather than be restricted from going in the first place.
12) “Shit, forgot my mask!”
I will never, ever, ever not wear a mask on public transport ever again. Cannae believe I used to let people breathe on me? Rank.
PS: if you’re still refusing to wear a mask, I would just like a chat. I’m still a bit confused!
13) “I’m so mad Covid cancelled *fill in blank*.”
From concerts to birthday parties to weddings, Covid really had fun swooping in and cancelling what should have been a pretty busy year for me. FFS.
14) “Why can’t people just follow the rules?”
Ok, if you’re still meeting up with people outside your immediate group illegally and have swanned off abroad simply because you’re “technically allowed”, I cannae be arsed with you and your small-minded little attitude. You think it’s “my right?” You need to “just get away from it all?” You think “we can’t just stop living?” Guess what babes, yes, you can. It’s a pandemic. You literally do not matter. Your holidays do not matter. You are not that important. You’re a speck of dust. Get over yourself. You’re irrelevant in the grand scheme of things and are personally responsible for the spread of a virus that has caused some serious damage. Play your part, keep your head down, and funnily enough, you might see numbers reduce. Check yourself, because I’d like to get out of my house and go meet my friends for dinner before I’m 30. Ta. Rant over.
15) “My makeup/clothes spending has reduced massively.”
Not going anywhere = not having to look remotely presentable. And my web camera is kind of grainy so I can ease off the hair washing.
16) “These people are clearly not from the same household.”
But we won’t say anything because we’re British. But you better believe we’ll give them dirty looks and roll our eyes. *I’ve also taken to passive-aggressively fake coughing because I like watching people silently panic.
17) “I miss you.”
Even the introverts felt it.
18) “I don’t eat meals anymore, I just graze all day.”
A whole mood.
19) “Is it too early to decorate for Christmas?”
I received this text at the end of October. Decidedly yes. Spiritually no. We decked the halls of Alderney the final week of November and, to tell you the truth, it really brightened up the dullness of Lockdown in Winter.
20) “I’m bored.”
But do we want to facetime? Absolutely not.
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