Sleep Stuff
Hey hey! Hope we’re all doing good J
I thought I’d venture away from my Quarantine Diaries today. I wanted to chat about something a bit different. Now's probably a good time to warn people who are sensitive to content involving nightmares, sleep paralysis, sleep disorders etc to skip this post. It's not graphic or anything; you should be alright, I just want to pre-warn!
I’ve always had extremely active and realistic dreams: kind of amazing in the moment, kind of disappointing when you wake up and you a) aren’t in Boston or b) haven’t got millions in your bank account like your dream suggested. Lol.
But, in that same vein, I’ve also always suffered with really bad nightmares since childhood. Call it what you will – an overactive imagination, too much television before bed, whatever – but, especially in periods of stress and worry, my dreams would darken with demonic clouds and horrifying circumstances which felt all too real. I would (and sometimes still do) wake up frozen, stiff with fear.
As a child, particularly between the age of 8 and 10, I would wake up crying and thrashing about like a possessed demon because of the terrors that would fill my dreams. My dad says the first time he recalls it ever happening, he sprinted into my bedroom with a lead pipe thinking I was being attacked by some intruder, only to find lil’ ol’ me with my open eyes dead in deep sleep and a primeval scream filling the room. It took him nearly ten minutes to wake me up.
Night terrors plagued the better part of my childhood. Weirdly, I could never recall what my dreams were about if anyone asked me. Yet, I could never shake off the icy fear that zipped through my body each and every time I woke up from one. I would be exhausted from it, like I hadn’t got any sleep at all.
It all seemed to stop in my teenage years, though. I thought I ‘grew out of it,’ in the same way you do with many childhood fears and phobias. You know the sort – fears of the dark, refusing to eat broccoli, ignoring demons plaguing your dreams, blah blah blah.
And then I was hit with a jarring level up in my second year of university. Completely random and out of the blue, sleep paralysis hit me like a ton of bricks and, quite literally, I guess, floored me. I had no idea what it was at the time. I just remember feeling awake but completely incapable of moving. Each time I would try to wake my body up, it just sank deeper and deeper into the mattress, like someone was pressing a weight down against my chest. All my senses were heightened but, at the same time, I felt completely incapable of doing anything. The first time it occurred, I don’t know what I did to get myself out of it. All I remember is waking up feeling the same way I used to after my night terrors as a child – icy cold with fear and exhausted, like I hadn’t slept at all.
It went on for a couple of months; not every night, but at least a few times a week. At first, I was completely baffled. I was nineteen and still getting nightmares? I would roll my eyes in exasperation and put it down to stress or whatever. But then it would happen again. And again. And again. One night it was so terrifying, and I was so short on breath, I genuinely thought I was going to die and woke up with my mouth wide open in a silent scream. I couldn’t get over the level of helplessness I felt in the midst of these dreams. You’re completely out of control in your own head, in your own space. Scary. I would wake up feeling like I’d been beaten up.
When I described it to my flatmate, she immediately knew what it was. Sat on her bed in her room (I MISS U MILLIE!), I explained to her that it wasn’t even a dream. It felt far too real to be just a bad dream. These episodes felt like a struggle for my life. Sounds ridiculous and overly dramatic in the daytime, I know. But try waking up in the middle of night unable to wriggle your fingers or toes, helplessly frozen and incapable of breathing whilst some thing (this is the Old Hag Theory that’s commonly associated with sleep paralysis) sits on your chest, weighing you down. Then you’ll understand.
But as quickly as these episodes started, they stopped. I encountered another one or two maximum for the remainder of my time at uni, but they were never as intense as those over a period of two or three months in my second year.
When random episodes attacked me again back in January/February this year, I immediately (albeit internally) freaked out. I didn’t have the time and the energy to trawl through all that shit again. So, I did what any person my age does: I consulted Dr Google.
First stop (as always): Wikipedia. Spot-on definition (like I said, as always). According to the website, sleep paralysis “is a transitional state between wakefulness and sleep characterized by muscle atonia (muscle weakness). It is often accompanied by terrifying hallucinations (such as an intruder in the room) to which one is unable to react due to paralysis and physical experiences (such as strong current running through the upper body).” I can’t describe it much better than that on a basic scientific level. I’ll let Wiki lead on that one.
After searching the internet for the meaning behind sleep paralysis, I came across some images. As I began to mindlessly scroll through them, I came across an image of a weird animal hovering over a terrified-looking person who looked as though they were struggling to wake up. I raised my eyebrow a bit; that picture encompassed a feeling I knew all too intimately.
I’ve learned to stay as calm as possible during these episodes. I have to remind myself that they aren’t real and that they will always pass. You just have to run with it.
The one back in February was the last episode I had. I put it down to a number of things going on at the time and I truly think it was a result of these because I haven’t had one since. Not to jinx things and speak too soon and all that, obviously. Sometimes these things spring up when we least expect them!
But I think reading up on these kinds of things helps. At least, it does for me. I can remind myself I’m not just a twat who imagines these things; they’re real and they’re scary and it’s ok to be a bit frightened of them. But reading about these episodes and listening to others’ experiences has given me a bit of a toolbox I can use to, well, not necessarily combat sleep paralysis. Is cope the right word? Idk, but you get my drift (hopefully!)
Anyways, thought I’d give you a break from the self-isolative content because it’s all a bit same-old, same-old (as if it could be any other way?) And by no means am I a qualified medical professional so don’t take any word of mine as gospel (in all walks of life, really. I am a self-proclaimed mess!) Just thought it would be wise to share my insight into this whole thing.
Hope you’re all sleeping well J If not, I’d suggest
reading around sleep or doing a quick google search (keep in mind that some stuff
might be triggering for you if you’re sensitive to this kind of content!). Now’s
the time to, I guess; we have a whole bunch of it!
Love and all that xoxo
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