As my final teenage days expire, my birthday is leaving me feeling
older for once. As I am sure we all can relate to, my teenage years quickly
turned into something of a comfort zone. I could blame stupid things I did, said,
or felt on my age. I could change my mind or my hair or my clothes or
my opinions without question. I could be miserable and joyful within the same
10 minutes because…hormones, right?
So yes, from 9th June, I’ll be in my twenties and, what the actual hell, how did that
happen? But then again, I do exhibit pensioner-like characteristics daily
so maybe I need accept my old age lol. Very strange that in some ways I
feel like I can have my “shit together,” or at the very least make it look like
I can (big compliment from my pals lol), but in some ways I don’t feel like an
adult at all. I’m still a bit of a scatty day-dreamer but somehow, I don’t
think that will ever change. Let’s not ponder that contradiction, eh?!
I had grown to love the age 19: old enough to be considered
an adult (although not in the exact same way as an 18-year-old is considered – an
adult by law but a child in every other perspective) and to be seen as an
independent human being, yet young enough to be allowed to dream but not
required to turn dreams into actions. It is the age of having the best of both
worlds. When turning 20, everything changes. Turning 20 is being on the eve of
real life. Some might still be under the illusion that adulthood will turn out
the way they had imagined for themselves, others might wonder: “Is this it? Is
this life?”
I have always been quite the dreamer and terribly ambitious.
Concerningly so. If someone ever tried to explain the truths of adulthood to me,
even as a child, I would roll my eyes in disbelief. Call me an optimist, call me
naïve, whatever. It never crossed my mind that something could stop me: work hard
and nothing can stop you. But when 20 comes, I feel that it’s suddenly not OK
to dream about the future anymore. The future’s here. If you want to achieve
any of your dreams, you’ve got to work for it and it starts today.
Working hard for my dreams has never been my issue. I don’t
mind working; from my previous blog posts, you’ll see me talk about that! It’s
the fact that I am now very much aware that you have to be somewhat realistic
about those dreams. Factors must be considered, choices have to be made, time
is ultimately measured (NOT ENOUGH TIME IN A DAY INNIT!) I grew up believing
that when you’re a grown-up, you pretty much decide how your whole life works
in the way you want it to be: where you’re going to live, what job you’re going
to have…but most of the time, it’s not entirely up to you.
And as you can’t have everything, choices must be made. I’ve
never had to make truly hard choices in my life. I’ve either always been
extremely lucky and grateful to make some positive choices, or in many a case there
never really was a choice to be made. I always knew exactly what and how I
wanted something: I was going to work hard. I was going to achieve. I was going
to leave home and go to uni. But now every choice seems like a loss of
something else. I just don’t know how to arrange my life. It’s like I have all
these pieces of a jigsaw puzzle and I just can’t quite get to grips with how they’re
meant to fit.
While life always seemed to tick at a convenient pace for
me, something changed once I completed school and moved away. I was always a
long time already ready for the next chapter in my life before I had finished
the previous, so time couldn’t go quicker for me. Even now, to some extent, I still
feel this way. Yet when I turned 18, things got out of hand. Suddenly I had
much more obligations and other things on my mind and on my To Do-list than I
had time for and I felt as if time was “slipping through my fingers” (‘Mamma
Mia’, I’m punny today @mi1lie) like sand. I turn 20 tomorrow yet I am pretty sure I celebrated
my 19th like last week. Has it been a whole year already?
So here I am today, pretty sure I’m struggling with a
Quarter Life Crisis. My view on my life span is completely
fucked up: I feel terribly old while at the same time I feel too young and too
lost to be able to achieve anything yet. So much is expected of me, mostly from
myself. I’m terribly tired, both physically and mentally, of all the things I
have to and want to do, squeezed into the tiny amount of time that I’ve got. I
want to learn so many things, finish uni, acquire new skills, travel to a million-and-one
new countries and meet a million-and-one new people, work towards my dream job
– all while I’m young, in a time where I’m expected to get good grades,
volunteer to improve my CV (and my conscience), keep up my part-time job, spend
time with family and friends, make sure my house is clean and tidy, exercise,
eat healthily, take care of myself, enjoy my time in uni by doing fun stuff,
travel a lot (as we’re supposed to have a lot of time left compared to older
ages, which is even more terrifying!), oh and I need to have hobbies, too,
otherwise I’m boring and no fun.
Part of me wishes I could take it easier and simply slow
down but then I would feel like I’m wasting my time. Life’s short. It haunts me
every day and makes me feel as if I need to use my time as efficiently as
possible and I often only do things because I am afraid I will regret it if I
miss the chance. It’s not a bad reason to do it, I guess. At least I’m doing
it. Yet because I have so much on hands, I feel like completely shutting down
and doing nothing instead. Isn’t that ironic? Oh, my inner Gemini is coming out:
a bunch of contradictions and faces rolled up into one.
Maybe I just want too much. I mean, I’m sure you will all
agree that a quarter life crisis is most definitely a first world/Fiat 500
Twitter problem. I’m pretty sure people whose basic provisions aren’t
guaranteed don’t care for how they fill in their life on the long term; they need
to get through today and will cross tomorrow’s bridge when it comes. Maybe I’m
just being petty. I’m sure this is all just a phase that I will overgrow once I
have accepted everything; I’ve wasted so much time on being clueless.
Some people have told me just to live, just do what you’ve
got to do, just go with the flow, don’t overthink it, just accept it. So am I
supposed to do that and ignore all that I know now? Do I have to become a mindless
zombie and ignorantly exist without truly living? What is truly living anyways?
In short, I believe that truly living, (or giving myself some
purpose) is to fully deploy and develop yourself and your potential. But
strings of society don’t allow you to fully do that. You’re not being awarded
for it. All you get to develop are your skills that will benefit society as a
whole: skills that will bring you a job so you will be economically valuable,
socially inclined .e.t.c. I’m not lazy, not mentally, and I want to learn. I
want to learn a lot about a lot of things and acquire a lot of different
skills. But society wants you to focus on a single field and become an expert
in that field so you’re ready to work as an expert in that particularity.
Feeling v restricted rn – send help xoxoxo
I love to blog because on my blog freedom is endless. I
could literally write about anything and everything – even 1500 words on my
so-called quarter life crisis, not giving a shit if anyone reads it. However,
one thing I am a bit scared of is questioning why I am spending my time writing.
Yes, it’s for fun, but it takes up a large amount of time and effort and is hardly
beneficial to the society I live in. But it is when I start to question
something that I love doing the most, I know the way my life is going is
terribly wrong. I don’t know if I am alone in feeling this way. And I’m not
sure if acceptance/ignorance will make it any less wrong: I just know that it
can’t be right.
*Exhale*: rant over. Here’s to 20, everyone. Cheers!
